And It Spins Around, And We All Lay Down. Some Do It Fast, Some Do It Better In Smaller Amounts...
In my previous post, I kept composure as best as I could and tried to have a reasonable way of distibuting my thoughts on my blog. It doesn't help worth a damn. Welcome to my world:
All I hear are screams, ones that I can't let out but are supressed because I don't know what would happen if I were to release something like this. To hell with that, I want to say whats here because if I don't I have the fear that my heart may rupture and my chest will explode, and all I'll do is make a bigger mess of the matter. The least I can do is this, at least that way no one, including myself can come to any physical harm. Mental on the other hand is out of the question. There is enough screaming and grief and remorse to fill even the most vacant of minds with chaos and it feels as though it is devouring my very being from keeping it insdie and letting it feed like some goddamn parasite. I hate this feeling. Utter emptiness, and an inastiable need to feel. I don't want the noise. All I want is quiet and something whole, I'm tired of synthetics and all the people who run off of them. emotions, judgement, it doesn't matter. None of it feels worth it anymore.
But I still want to try. I want something real, something I can feel, not dream of and have it go away once my eyes open.
I guess you could call me a complete and total moron to have after so many times the urge to still pursue something like this. I can honestly say that I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.... Why am I crying still?! You think it would fucking stop after so long. I want it to go away. I guess I can't say I am totally devoid of every feeling comprehensable, but I hate it that all I feel is this bitter sickness every time I think about him. I had something, something amazing and beautiful. I felt whole. Now all I feel is this hole and it seems to be bigger now that it was when I started. I can find nothing to fill it with, no sign of consolance because it is something I can't make go away. Any other time I can think 'white room' and it goes away for at least a little while because in the white room there is nothing to see, nothing to remind me to feel and for a little while it stays that, but only for seconds at a time because soon the stark walls begin to bleed through with the colors around me and reverberate the voices of those who are trying to talk to me. I don't want to be talked to goddammit! I don't want anyone to open their mouths because all that comes out are things that remind me just how empty I feel.
That is the worst feeling in the world... And it's all I can feel.
I even feel it when I sleep. I wake up to what I fell asleep to, and I suppose it is all my mind dwells on while I'm unconscious because it never changes from when I go to sleep to when I wake up. I feel so bad because ti has gotten to the point to where I can't even turn to sleep to supply me with somewhat of a dormant state. I want to SLEEP. I don't want to stop moving but continue to think. I may as well still be awake. Since when has it ever been that sleep can't even help?! I CAN'T EVEN RELY ON SLEEP FOR CHRISTSAKE. I want it to go away! That is all I want! Even if I feel nothing it will be better than having this being the only thing that dwells in the recesses of every thought. I WANT IT TO GO AWAY! CAN I MAKE IT ANY MORE CLEAR?! I don't want him to go away... I don't want that. I just want to be able to look at you, just lose anything I feel and look at you so I don't feel myself decaying from the inside every time I do. I don't know what to tell you to make you understand. I just don't want that feeling to be something I can never have again, that feeling when you held on to me like you meant it. I could have died then and there and I would have been happy. To a point I wish I could have because somewhere inside of me I knew that all things come at a price. I suppose it is worth it, really. I just wonder how much more it could cost, because if it continues there will be nothing left. I suppose that woud be the only reason it affects me so badly is because I know well what I've lost. Something beautiful.
I need sleep but I am almost afraid to lay my head down.
