So Give Them The Story They Want You To Before You Leave Me
I can't exactly say that I have found what anyone would call consolance... But more along the lines the proven fact that there is nothing I can do about my current situation. I find it no easier to accept the fact however because I don't believe there is any way to change it in the future. As unclear as things may seem, there is one thing that is more prevalent than others.
My age and my parents are the distungushing things between this becoming anything and its withering away as it is so obviously doing; Both of which I can do nothing about.
I feel that from the perspective taken, that I do not matter enough to be taken seriously despite the age gap. The parental surveillance is something I can relate to on the basis of creating a feeling of discomfort when attempting to interact. I find that explanation logical by all means and agree that it can be quite stressful. My age however is not something to be considered if the situation were seen from the proper standing point. There is slightly less than a two year difference and it would serve no purpose in restraining matters such as feeling, which leaves me to believe that there was nothing to be seen of true emotion. There was something, this I understand, but on the other hand, if it were something significantly strong enough it would make no difference.
I apologize for my birthdate not taking place any earlier.
However, as much as I would like to I cannot change that. So the question of whether I should even put forth the effort to make a compromise and set my sights on the matter resides in my mind; only to be answered when I no longer need it.
Uncertainty is my weak point and possibly one of my biggest insecurities.
I just wish that I could understand his motives more. In any other case I would have already given up on the situation but this is different. Different in the aspect of it being a very strong emotional attatchment. Which brings me to a point of yet another thing I do not completely understand: Did/does he even care for me with the sense of magnamity as I do him? I can't read minds, but I suppose it would be best because I would be on the recieving end of many things that I do not want to hear. I'll be honest with the fact that I do not want to have him tell me that he wants nothing to do with me. I can even discern that at this point in time it would be a fascimile. I merely want the definicy of him telling me whether he thinks this is worth the effort so I can decide on whether to apply it or not.
I would hate to focus my intentions on a worthless cause.
In this case I will not fully base my concentration around this because it is inevitable that I am to admit there is nothing I can do about it currently. Time has adverse effects on the way people percieve things, so it may come to a point where I am apathetic about the entire situation as I have eventually become with so many things. I do not want to think in this perspective because the experience has supplied me with an unexplainable feeling that I do not wish to forget or lose so easily. It was something I believe beautiful and priceless. I only wish that things so miniscule could not have brought that to a crashing halt.
Maybe its because it is something I am not meant to have.
Maybe it isn't me. It isn't exactly possible to change circumstance.
Maybe it was only something ephemeral that was meant to end when I opened my eyes.
So many maybes...
I only wish this were a situation I could understand more thougroughly. Until then I am left with the raging noise of unanswerable questions. If only there were a sort of earplug for those sort of things, but even then I wouldn't be sure as to whether or not I would use them seeing as I tend to have a terribly insatiable and possibly self destructive sense of curiosity...
