Why I Stay When You Just Push Away? No Matter What You See, You're Still So Blind To Me.
As for the turn of events over the past week I can say I am less than happy. It is really a mixture of apathy, resentment, and a feeling of worthlessness. And as usual I am left sitting here to dwell on my thoughts.
Not a good thing.
So what to do when there is nothing to distract you? Find something. There is thinking, of course, but that leads to the picking apart of one's self in an attempt to see the so-called 'big picture'. That, however, leads into nothing but frustrating depression and the temptation of kissing a razorblade's edge with flesh. That also begs the question of why that is a resort for many when we are at a lack of understanding our lives and actions. I think there may be many reasons, each different from person to person ranging from the need to know you are alive by feeling the pain or the site of your own blood, to the incessant want to feel something other than utter emptyness.
Different views from the same telescope I guess.
It is something I would like to prevent from doing any time soon. Of course I am aware that I have done it before due to a complete breakdown and the want to feel something other than the sickening void in my chest. Irrational I know, but at that point anything makes sense. It serves as an inspiration as something not to do for as long as possible. So instead I type. I am not exactly enthused about doing this either, but it is the much better alternative to just sitting there uselessly. A topic to write about eludes me somewhat because I would like it to be entertaining. However, the only thing I can think about is the occurances over the past week. At points they have been enjoyable, at others they have been unbearable.
Monday I found that I wasn't as understood as I liked to have believed. I attempted to explain the way I felt, but even to the one I care the most for it seems I can't make sense of what is going on in my head. It is more than understandable because many of the things that dwell in the recesses of my brain I can't even comprehend myself, but at the same time it gives me a feeling of hopelessness. Somewhat discarded... I just fear that someday I will die from nothingness, just to waste away after everything else is gone.
I always wanted to die in an explosion, not an implosion.
Otherwise, I am also quite a bit disappointed at the fact that I did not make drill team. The tryouts were rigged. Enough said. As for my social life and a few of my friends... The shit is hitting the fan. Fast. I do not care to discuss it because it is something that is to be settled directly and I would like to think about it as little as I possibly can. Also it is my bedtime.
-Shallow Hearts Are Those Pierced Easiest By A Vampire's Kiss-
Yours Maniacally.
