How Could This Mean Anything To Me
When I Don't Feel A Thing At All
Why bother to say things and expect someone to trust you when every single action of yours points in the opposite direction?
I'm losing again, even when I have gained nothing.
But its not my place to worry. Its not my place to be bothered by things of the sort. So why should I flatter you by doing the things I do or even feeling this way? I do suppose that I should start off by answering my own questions instead of asking for answers to others. They are more important, aren't they? They are matters of a higher priority, aren't they? At least they should be... But it doesn't feel that way. It never did. I still fail to understand why something of this nature could dictate so many things, and I am beginning to think of it as a weakness. And with time my walls keep crumbling to a remnant of a past form. Again, its not my place of concern. So I guess it could be said that it is simply my own fault for picking myself apart for every miniscule alteration you make.
But it makes me feel like shit.
The real matter, I think, is that my concern is of whether you are even aware of the actions, or whether you even care. As tormented as I may feel, however, I do not ask to die. I do not ask GOD to just take me from my place. This is simply because I have come to the understanding that everything happens for a reason. I only wish to see the purpose of what I endure. But it is coming to a point that I feel ill when I only think of what else is to come, but if I recall correctly it has always been that way since those few days. But another thought that makes me writhe is the mere possibility of being touched by those hands if they have done what I think. It is to where now when I even come into contact with you it is all I think about and fear, and I am disgusted with myself for continuing to let you in even if I have that unresolved fear crawling under my skin.
No, I don't trust you.
But I do in so many ways. However, I think it is something you will never come to understand, because I don't grasp it completely either. I would just like to know when I can learn to cut the noose I myself have set to my neck and inhale again. I would like to know when I can look forward to waking up again. If things continue, then the prospect of that doesn't look like it will be coming any time soon. But why should you dictate that? Why should you be able to be unlike anyone else?
Because I love you.
-Shallow Hearts Are Those Pierced Easiest By A Vampire's Kiss-
Yours Maniacally.
