If Timing Play Evident
What Will You Say When You're Late?
I suppose it is time for an update...
It is something I have needed to do for the past 24 hours. It is the only other thing aside from laughing until I can't breathe from the pressure growing in my chest that I can do. I only smile, even if it is a facsimile, because it is all I have to hold on to for fear of falling apart.
I can't seem to understand anything anymore because every time I believe I can grasp something my mom seems to throw it right back out of proportion, causing me to feel helpless and even more stupid for doing the things I have done. It is because she always proves the point that everything, everything I have done is for nothing. But at the same time, the only thing that holds me back and keeps me bound to him are those words.
"I will. I will. I promise"
I don't know what to trust anymore. I want to believe him. I want to think that I haven't wasted a year of my life on nothing. I also want to detatch and make it all go away. I want to rid myself of him completely because I also have something else residing in my mind, taunting me.
"If he loves me, why is he killing me?"
I don't think I can last much longer. I sit back and watch him let someone else dictate his actions, valuing her opinion over what he may truly think. And he looks at me, but does nothing, or he smiles and it tears me apart from the inside when I thought I had finally gotten the stitches righted again. How can you love something if it only hurts? The only word that comes to mind is masochism. But all I can see anymore is the point that has been made. She is the only one he can't seem to drop. Maybe I should leave it that way. Maybe I should just let it go.
But I can't.
I hate myself for it, but
I.
Just.
Can't.
-Shallow Hearts Are Those Pierced Easiest By A Vampire's Kiss-
Yours Maniacally.
