Noises, Noises, People Make Noise
People Make Noises When They're Sick
Nothing To Do Except Hold Onto Nothing
There are so many things that are thrown my way that make me tired on the inside. Sometimes I just want to sleep and waste away for a day or two just to block it all out for a little while. Sometimes, I just want to say forget what I am doing and leave. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and when I opened them I would find everything over so that I would be able to move on my own free will. But I can't. I can't move at all.
The only thing that makes me open my eyes and keep pushing for the future, however indefinite it may be, is him. He lets me know that I have someone who loves me as much as I do him, and he shows me that there are so many things outside of what I find myself with. It's all just a matter of time before things change and I will be able to move, build for myself and change all of these things to find what's on the outside.
But what I find so discoursing is the lack of that 'time'. I always find myself with too much, and never enough.
I want to make all of the wasted time and pointlessness pass by in a whirling dream, or just close it out altogether. However, when I find something that I enjoy and wish to hold on to is the only time that the hours pass with haste anymore. I find that between relentless hours of wolves with train whistle voices and swimming at 3 in the morning, there are only brief amounts of genuine happiness. These moments are the only things that make the monotony worth enduring, because they make me so happy I could cry. I have found myself close to doing so on a few occasions, but have suppressed the welling of tears in an effort to not worry him with my inability to voice a sensible explanation.
As for other things...
I have to admit that I found myself having one of the shittiest days that I have had to face in some time yesterday. I seem to have my worst days take place within the vicinity of a holiday. Tragically ironic, that. We had family over for Easter, and for the sake of not being a hindrance to the massive crowd we had in the house, Ray and I had stayed in my room. Dad, being the paranoid man that he is, told us to stop being 'glued together' for the sake of appearance for the family for fear that we would do something unforgivable in front of them. Okay, I could understand that, but I grew progressively tired with him after he became angry with me for what he thought was us being all over each other despite his warning. We weren't doing anything of that nature, and I DO have some sense of decency, whether he knows it or not. After being told to get a plate, we said the blessing with the rest of the family and to avoid getting in the way or generating even more of a crowd than what we already had, we stood back in my room to wait for the hall to clear. I realized that I had something on my shoulder, but could not get to it, so Ray helped me. Dad, after passing the doorway and seeing us became angry because he thought we were doing other things and proceeded to call me into the kitchen. He then told me to stay out of my room because I was not going to 'seclude myself while there was a house full of family present'.
For once I would like to be blamed for actually doing something wrong.
In short, the day progressively got more frustrating. Once the family left and the house was again empty, we were actually able to spend some time together in peace, but I suppose it comes at a price. After Ray left with Aaron, the shit hit the fan. To be perfectly honest, I brought the entire discussion to a start on my own. I really hadn't wanted to get into it with my parents, because I despise all of the screaming and frustration involved with these 'discussions', but I suppose something of the sort would have happened eventually regardless. At least during the conversation, I was able to vent out a small portion of my feelings towards the situation. However, whether they had and affect on my parents I am unsure of. These are the things that make me so tired.
I frequently sit at school and home and just wonder, "What in the hell am I doing with my time here?" and other things of the sort. I often wonder when I will be able to get out of here and whether everything I know and love will still be intact. Sometimes I just want to quit, if only for a brief amount of time... but he lets me know that there are things to keep pushing for. I believe it is the only reason I have kept myself going at times like these.
All with due time...
Yours Maniacally.
