I realized something today.
Actually, I realized it a long time ago, but I found that I at least had to try and heal the things I've broken in the people around me.
I've apologized where I knew I was wrong, I've placed bandages over the wounds I've made on the skin in hopes they'll go back to normal, though I know it isn't quite possible.
I've even attempted to make things workable.
Tonight, it was proven to me that my will to renew these things no longer exists. I can actually say that I looked you in the face, and while I felt apologetic for the things I knew I was wrong in and missed you, I could only see how worthless you've become.
I just had to find that out, had to make sure.

It worked.

I'm not even that sad about it, which proves that though I may have thought more of you than you deserved, you are human and untouchable just like anyone else I have encountered. I can turn you off like a switch. Like everything else.

I could tell you this to your face, but it is not out of cowardice that I don't. I just don't see the point in destroying things any further when there is no real need. I see no need in wasting any more effort when you can take care of it yourself.

For now, I am doing what I must.
I am trying to contort my priorities back into proper order, and trying to do things that I couldn't manage before.
I'm trying to make a difference in my grades.
I'm trying to make a difference in where I could possibly be going in the next few months.
I'm trying to make a difference in that 85%.
I want to sacrifice everything I have, and everything that I don't.
What is disappointing is that I can't do it faster.
What is disappointing is that I can't promise that I will ever stop being afraid.
What frightens me is that I still fear that I may not be enough.
What frightens me is that in an attempt to solidify my future, I may instead cause it to collapse.
What frightens me is your past, mocking me.
A smiling, real, breathing thing that I wish I could just shut out.
That haunts me more than you may ever know.

The tightening of my own skin isn't helping matters any. It causes me to itch with everything I come into contact with, and it pulls inward making my fears surround me and causing me to feel incredibly claustrophobic.
I know that there is something wrong on my end when I can barely hold the one I love close to me without crying.
It is all me.
It is me.
Yet for some reason that fact doesn't make it any more tolerable. If anything I am confronted with the knowledge that I lack the self control to stop.
None of this is very comforting.