Sometimes I don't see why I don't just shoot everyone down when I'm invited to gatherings of any kind. They always make me feel sick and want to hide.
I don't have much of a family left. What seems to be left over from rolling around in the wake of fuck-ups, bad choices, and disappointment is not really anything I want much to do with.
This always comes into stinging focus when I have to see everyone at once.
My mom:
She was my best friend, but the older I get the more I realize she's just a teenager trapped in an aging woman's body. Married since the age of seventeen, she was never given the opportunity to really grow up and realize what her life should have been like or to even learn how to respect herself.
The more time passes, it is magnified for me that she's still only trying to run away from her problems. I realize how little she understands the world anymore, and how disappointed I am to see her with a new guy latched on to her every week now that dad's finally gone. She doesn't seem to realize there's more to life than dependence. I guess if I look at it that way though, she's not really running; it's more like she's trying to drown herself with the weight of any waste she can find.
My only sibling:
He seems to have cut himself off in a way. He always seems to be tired and never satisfied. With life, with people, with me.
Push me? Tell me what I need to do with my life and my time? I'm doing the best I can with the time I've been given. I worked off the thirty pounds you never had to worry about. I have already met my goal and have my future planned. I have my shit together. Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than yourself, you would know.
And so what if you make more money than I do? So what if you have a larger apartment and more friends? We're both in the same rat cage; so does it really matter whose is fancier?
My dad:
Well, there isn't much to say. Enough of my life was wasted and ruined because of him, so if I don't have to expend any more I'll be better off.
As for the rest of my blood:
I was never really close to any of them to begin with, so life's not much different doing without.
As for friends, acquaintances, exes, and much else:
For one, don't try to contact me when you know good and well I want NOTHING to do with you. You're going out of your way to make an ass of yourself and get ignored.
Second, I can't help but wonder why I seem to make the most hypocritical human beings out of the people I lose touch with.
For example, for someone who not only knows the effects of alcohol abuse but was once so against it you sure do seem to like hitting the bottle. I would ask if it was something I said or did, but I know for a fact that it isn't. No one is holding a gun to your head and telling you to drown. You're doing it to yourself and it's stupid. Do you really expect it to make things better for you or make your suffering any shorter? If there was ever a chance for anyone to have enough sympathy to try and help you, you've pissed it away. Fucking up is what got you here, so OBVIOUSLY fucking up more is what's going to get you out, right?
There's also that special someone who used to point out how conceited everyone else was and how trashy your sister/preppy kids/underage mall rats were. Guess where you are now? In the bowels of the mall at all times, searching for "cute" clothes that don't fit you anymore and trying to get your hands on any piece of jailbait garbage you can fool into thinking you're a decent human being. Your personality sucks so hard now that you have to resort to it because anything over the age of sixteen with an IQ higher than that of a jar of mayonnaise can see straight through you. But you're just oh so hot and the coolest person ever and everyone loves you, hm?
Those of you who like to try giving me advice on things you understand NOTHING about:
Go live through about 15 years of hell and then we'll talk, okay?
And finally, possibly the worst of them all:
The one person who stuck by my side for the longest only to turn on me like a rabid dog for hurting your feelings before I would lie to you. Thanks for showing me that even the most sincere effort can still result in a kick in the face and the creation of a super-ego with a library of sex partners tripling that of anyone else I know. But you so have the room to tell people I'M a slut and backstabber? Okay, whatever helps you sleep at night. Enjoy jumping states collecting STDs.
Anyway, I'm done. I just haven't had a good bout of anger in a while, so I thought it would be best to do so before I committed arson or something similar.
On to more positive things! Like groceries!
