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There are so many things I wish I could say, like how much of a moron I am for walking away like I did; for not talking to you more when that was all I've wanted to do; for not treating you better towards the end instead of trying to drop off the face of the planet.
I thought if I could push things back in my head far enough, they would no longer have an influence on my life; I'd go on with only memories and never look back. Looking back hurts too much.
When I went off with someone else, it was still there, at the back of my mind.
Even when I said goodbye, the way I felt for you was the same.
Ten years now; it's still there from the day I met you.
I drove by on my way home last night and cried the minute I laid eyes on your house.
Because I couldn't just go in and see you.
Because I realized how stupid I've been:
I'm in a relationship that I can't wholeheartedly be a part of because my heart is very much still tethered to you.
You could be in a relationship with someone that you're truly happy with.
Maybe you're just happy without me. Even if you hated me, I couldn't blame you.
I can't know, and I don't seem to have the fortitude to ask. I've been too scared.
But now it's all that's in my head: You. Just you.
Eating me alive.
I feel that if I don't say these things now, I will never get the chance:
I wish I could hold you and bury my face in your chest. I wish I could tell you I still love you and act like nothing's happened. I wish I could do that more than anything.
Even if I'm far, far away, I always want you to know that there hasn't been a day to pass that you haven't crossed my mind.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so stupid.
I miss you so much.
